I was in a grief support group last night and I said something that shocked me a little. I said, "I wanted this anniversary so badly." I wanted to be able to say, "My husband and I have been married for 25 years. " It was a milestone I craved. Almost like a right of passage, or maybe a badge of honor for managing Jeff's crap for so long. ;)
I was frustrated and upset when people in the group said things to me that I've heard for 25 years. They said things like, "At least you found true love." "You had something special that many people never have." "You are so lucky you were married for so long to your soul mate."
When Jeff was alive, I would agree. I would say, "You're right, I am lucky." or "Absolutely we have something special." People often told us they looked to our relationship as an example of what a good marriage was. We were the power couple others wanted to be. But since Jeff passed, comments like that have felt like an attempt to minimize my pain. I wanted 25 more years with him. I wanted forever with him. I didn't want the special something we had to ever end.
I've had some time (and a little reality check from a dear friend) to think about all of this a bit more and I now understand that it wouldn't matter if Jeff and I had only 5 years together or 50, it would still have been amazing and magical. I can't let his death take away from how special our relationship was.
I don't want to romanticize our relationship though. It wasn't always easy. There were times when I had to make a conscious decision each morning to choose in to the relationship, to actively work at loving him, to force myself to remember all of his good qualities. But no matter what we went through, we loved each other. Jeff adored me. I mean ADORED me. And he made me feel loved and special and strong in a way no one else ever had. For that, I will be forever grateful to him and for our magical relationship.
Thank you Jeff for the awesome time we had together. Thank you for helping me grow into the strong, confident person I am today. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and making me your queen. Thank you for giving me 5 beautiful and amazing children. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't. Thank you for reminding me every day how much you loved me. Thank you. I will love you forever and always cherish the time we had together.
No comments:
Post a Comment